Penning Our Story: Funeral and Other Thoughts

Warning: This post contains pictures from Bridger's funeral, including one of him in his casket. This may be disturbing for some, so view pictures with caution.

Wednesday night Dustin and I dropped our girls off at my parents house and traveled south for Bridger's funeral. We spent the night with Josh and Appols (Bridger's parents). Appols had printed off some pictures of Bridger and I helped her put them in frames, while she talked to me about the experiences they had had with Bridger in his short 4 days with them. It was nice to be with them and just be able to chat and enjoy the evening, to take our minds off the next day. It was good but there were still things that made my eyes tear up and my stomach knot. Like walking into the house and seeing the empty infant carseat propped up against the wall, seeing Bridger's name carefully painted on the wall of his bedroom days before his birth, seeing the empty bassinet and unopened package of newborn diapers, seeing for the first time the pictures of him they took before he became sick and remembering I would never hold that beautiful boy.

The next morning was hard, there's no way around it. Funerals are so emotional. You go in waves--one minute you are able to smile and talk to a relative, and the next you are overwhelmed with sadness and loss and can't help but cry. I am really glad we decided not to take the girls. Part of me wanted to, since Bridger was their cousin and I wanted them to be a part of his life, but it was so nice to just be able to mourn and comfort those mourning with us instead of babysitting. We were able to help the family with a lot of things, and we wouldn't have been able to do that with our adorable yet crazy kids running around.

One thing about funerals is they do bring people together. My husband's mom's entire family was there, and I don't think they've all been in the same room in years and years. Everyone there was so supportive and loving. We didn't need words, we just hugged tight and knew that we were feeling the same thing.

Dustin, his grandfather, and Appols' father all had an opportunity to give heartfelt, wonderful prayers at the occasion. Dustin and Josh's mom gave a tribute to little Bridger. The bishop spoke some wonderful words of comfort from the scriptures. One thing that really stood out to me was when Appols' dad was saying a prayer, and said "Forgive us for asking why, and forgive us for being selfish and wanting him here with us." I think Heavenly Father does understand that we have faith, but we still ask "Why?" and we get angry and wish His plan was different. I think even when we are raging at Him, He just puts His arms around us and weeps with us.

We all got a chance to say good-bye to little Bridger, and I couldn't resist kissing him on his head. I know it was only Bridger's body in the casket, not really him at all, but I can't kiss an Angel so it was the next best thing. One of the hardest parts was watching Josh and Appols close the casket, knowing it was the last time they would see his face until the next life. They know that Bridger is in Heaven, not in that little white casket, but it is still a hard thing. We drove in a procession to the cemetary and Josh dedicated his son's grave. Then it was back to the church for luncheon, and then home to relax after an emotional day.

When we got back to their house, they had a package from Primary Children's on their front step. Inside was a memory box from the hospital including plaster molds of Bridger's hands, prints of his hands and feet, and a lock of his hair. Appols and I talked for a while, and I was amazed at her strength and faith. There is no doubt that these parents have been strengthened by the Lord in answer to all the prayers on their behalf. They were both so comforted by knowing that they will be able to see their son again. One thing that really impressed me was the fact that Josh and Appols continually expressed gratitude for the time they were able to have with Bridger, instead of dwelling on all the things they would miss. That is simply amazing.

As we were driving back home later that night, I pondered a lot about grief and healing. I felt remarkably good considering that I had just attended the funeral of my 4-day-old nephew. I realized that, while Bridger's death was heartbreaking, and I still feel very sad about it, I had seen too many miracles and felt God's love too strongly to be sad in that moment. We had prayed for the miracle of healing and didn't get it--but God made it easier on us with countless other small miracles to help us on this journey.

I talked in my last post about the miracle of Bridger's surviving long enough to make it to Salt Lake and meet some more of his family. It was a miracle that no one got in an accident on the roads while he was in the hospital, because the conditions were terrible. It is miraculous that people opened their hearts to Josh and Appols and significantly lightened the financial burden of Bridger's passing. One miracle I am most grateful for is that Appols' mom bought a nice new camera the day before Bridger was born, and was able to take some beautiful pictures of him before he became sick. There were some that no one even remembered taking--talk about a tender mercy! Appols and her baby were released from the hospital after just a day, which meant that they had a full day with Bridger at home before he was life-flighted Friday morning. He had his eyes wide open, totally alert, in the days before he got sick. The weather for the funeral was cold, but clear and pretty. So many miracles....

I think, in a way, that grief is a gift. We don't grieve unless we have loved deeply. To avoid grief is to live without love. Bridger's gift to our family is a legacy of love and miracles. His life was short but he taught us so much. He helped us realize how important family is. He showed us how to be grateful even in the worst of times. He showed us the power of service, prayer, and faith. We are blessed that God allowed one of his most precious angels to be a part of our family, even for only a few short days.

I will never forget my nephew Bridger and everything I have learned from him, and from this experience. It has been an incredibly sad and emotional journey but I am glad to have been a part of it.

Newborn Bridger

Bridger with Mommy and big brother Carson.

Bridger with Daddy.

Carson is such a good big brother. When Bridger was upset and sick at the hospital before being life-flighted, Carson cried and handed him a little blue bear to comfort him.

I teared up when I saw this picture. He is just so darling. This was one of the pics that no one remembered taking, but it is one of the best ones they have of him.