First, after just over a year as the Beehive Adviser in our ward, I was released and asked to be the primary pianist. I just got back from my last Beehive activity. I have really enjoyed being in the Young Women organization and I was sad when they released me. I was especially disheartened when they told me they needed me in the primary because there is a severe shortage of pianists in our ward. Last time I was the primary pianist, it was in our very first ward just after we got married. I didn't know anyone in the ward and sitting behind the piano in the primary room for two hours on Sunday didn't help. I became friends with the primary chorister and that was about it. It got pretty lonely. However, the good news is that I already have lots of friends in this ward, lots of them in the primary. I'm not worried about being lonely behind the piano this time around!
I was still feeling bummed about it last week when I went to the primary room to talk to the presidency about the schedule and program and such. After we were done talking I still had some time before going to Beehives to teach the lesson (for the last time), so I practiced some of the songs. It felt really good playing again, and I was feeling at peace with being there. Then I started playing the song the primary is learning, and to my surprise I realized it was the exact song the primary was learning nearly 6 years ago the last time I was the pianist. It was one of those "Aha" moments. I felt a confirmation that is exactly where the Lord wants me right now. And I'm actually pretty excited to start playing next week. I think it'll be great.
The other changes have been even harder, because they have all been happening inside me.
For the last several months, I have been really struggling at home. I was always stressed, I got angry and yelled at the drop of a hat, I was constantly feeling guilty about how I was treating my kids. I knew I was spending way too much time on the computer and not nearly enough time with them. I wasn't making time for scriptures. I knew I needed to change but I just couldn't get it done.
I'm not usually one for doing New Year's Resolutions, but the day after New Year I decided I needed to do SOMETHING about the situation. I decided to set a goal to not get on the computer at all before I left for work at 1 o'clock. I got a calendar and crossed days off as I completed my goal, and I'm proud to say I'm on day 20 of no computer in the mornings. And while this was helping me get more housework done and spend more time with my kids, I was still having daily freak-outs and melt-downs, mostly aimed toward my precious daughters.
Finally about a week ago I hit bottom. It was bedtime (always a trigger for me) and I was freaking out--literally stomping my feet and yelling--about some little thing the girls had done. I stormed downstairs and spent the next couple hours in complete inner torment, hating myself for the way I was acting but not knowing how to change. Then a dear friend of mine posted an article on Facebook that sounded exactly like my situation, and I felt even worse that I couldn't seem to change myself.
The thought that kept coming to me while I was sitting there on the couch was that my children were precious, and they didn't deserve to be treated the way I had been treating them. Talk about a wake-up call! When it was finally bedtime, I went into my girls' room like I do every night to make sure they hadn't kicked their covers off. They always look so peaceful and beautiful while they are sleeping. I knelt down by Eleanor's bed to fix her blankets, and next thing I knew I was sobbing into her quilt, feeling so guilty for all the yelling and frustration. I prayed long and hard that night, for forgiveness and strength to change.
The next day I asked my amazing friend, the one who had posted the article, for help. She told me that she had just recently gone through the same thing I was currently going through--guilty about all the yelling and stress in her home, she had decided to change things. She told me she started by waking up early, before her kids, to make time for scriptures and prayers. Low and behold, that is exactly the answer I had been getting in my prayers lately--but of course I love my sleep so I was REALLY dragging my feet about getting up early. She gave me lots more great advice too, about changing the way I react to situations, changing my expectations of their behavior so I don't get frustrated, and keeping calm. I took her advice to heart and the next day was great. I was calm. I didn't yell that whole day. I felt totally in control of my actions and reactions.
There was still something missing though. Finally, finally, after much encouragement both from the Spirit and my friend, I started waking up early. Monday and Tuesday I woke up an hour before my kids and fed my soul with the words of the prophets, ancient and modern. It felt so good. And it started my mornings off right. No more waking up immediately irritated. Today (Wednesday), I didn't get up early because Dustin had to work clear until 1 o'clock in the morning and I waited up for him, and while I am working on changing for the better, I'm still not perfect. So we slept in. But after just two mornings of waking up early to read scriptures, I am already craving that spiritual lift I get. I will definitely be waking up early tomorrow too.
Isn't it funny how stubborn and afraid we are to make big changes? I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately, and I decided that a lot of my reactions toward my kids were based off of fear. I am afraid of not raising them right. I'm afraid that they will grow up to be brats, selfish, mean, rebellious, etc. I was afraid that if I let them "get away" with even the littlest thing, it meant I was setting them up to be spoiled brats. So I tried to control their behavior as much as I could, and any little thing that they messed up would just reinforce to me that I was failing. I screamed at them, but really it was myself I was upset with.
It all sounds so silly when I write it out like that. My mom is probably shaking her head reading this. Okay, I have issues. Who doesn't? But I was afraid of letting go, afraid to admit that I can't control how my kids turn out, afraid to fail. Afraid to change.
Well, thanks my great friend, I'm finally on my way to having a peaceful home. Really, I still have a long way to go, but already the past week has been such a huge improvement. I want this to stick. To be a permanent change. I want to be gentle and loving, not irritable and angry. I want to let go of the fear and replace it with faith. I still have a long way to go, but finally I'm on my way.
*Meagan, I can't thank you enough for your encouragement and support lately. I'm lucky to have had you for a friend for my whole life! Thank you!
1 comment:
I too have been working on yelling less and trying to interact more with my boys. I know I am sometimes the worst at TV or couch parenting. It is hard to change, but It will make us better people.
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