The Time I Considered Trading My Newborn For 12 Hours of Sleep

It was 3 o'clock in the morning. I was sitting on the floor leaning against my couch, holding my 3 week old baby in front of me. I had fed her, changed her, rocked her, sang to her, cuddled with her, burped her, left her alone in her crib, and everything else I could think of, and she still would not sleep. She wasn't crying, but I knew the second I put her down she would start. I was completely exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and mentally numb. I stared at my baby's face and tried to dredge up some kind of emotional bond, some kind of tender maternal feeling toward my daughter. I couldn't do it. The only thought that crossed my mind was this:

"Right now, I would rather have a good night's sleep than a baby."

Somewhere in my hazy consciousness I told myself that this was not a normal thought to have, and I should probably be ashamed. I wasn't, though. I was just tired. Numb, exhausted, weary, foggy, stupid. And tired.

I told this story to a friend a few days ago, as I was visiting with her and her baby boy. She said to me, "I'm glad you told me that. I think we need to hear more stories like those. We've all had feelings like that at some point."

It's true. The first few weeks after having a baby can be a nightmare. First and foremost, you're going to be tired. You just are. It is hard to think straight and function at all when you're tired. On top of that, your body is painfully recovering from birth trauma while also hosting a party of raging hormones. You're not an emotional rollercoaster so much as an entire emotional theme park, complete with the waterworks. No one really knows how you manage it, but you do. Somehow you make it through those first weeks and months and it gets better, and then you start feeling guilty about the time you were awake at 3 am wanting to trade your baby for a few hours of sleep.

I am sharing this story, particularly with those new mommies and soon-to-be mommies out there,  to say don't feel guilty! Don't feel like because you have ever had bad thoughts about your child, it makes you a bad mom. It doesn't. We've all been there. Being a mom is hard! It's okay if sometimes  you just want to give up. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

That one exhausted night when I considered trading my baby for sleep ended eventually, and the next morning after I was a little more refreshed, I realized it had been there all along. That maternal bond with my daughter was still there. I couldn't find it in my sleep-deprived state, but it never really left. That baby girl finally started sleeping through the night at 10 months old. It was a long 10 months. There were more exhausted nights.  But that little girl is my sunshine. She lights up my day. I can't get enough of her. She and her big sister are the joy in my life. I love being a mom, and I am a good mom even though there are days when I consider taking a friend's advice and locking myself in the bathroom with a book and some chocolate to escape the madness for a while.

Dear new mommies out there, you are wonderful! You'll have bad moments, but don't feel guilty about them. Just wait till morning, and it'll get better. I promise!